The Bitter Blog…

Well today was a rather long, boring day but one of my favorite type of Saturday’s, Hubby had to work and C3 had Lacrosse practice so I got to sleep in and hang out in my pajamas until noonish.  I guess it’s not really nice of me to admit that I LOVE it when Hubby has to work on Saturday, but we all know niceness isn’t one of my strong suits…

Basically after doing absolutely nothing all day but sitting on my ass, this evening I decided the I was craving chocolate.  Seeing how it’s only a mere two weeks since Valentine’s Day and I didn’t receive the obligatory CHOCOLATE COVERED STRAWBERRIES, I decided to trek to the store and get the stuff to make my own.  They’re still in season, right?

Let’s forget the fact that I gave my three children the obligatory/traditional Valentine’s Day gift of card/candy/VD boxers (yes they do actually wear them and it is the traditional gift for every holiday that they produce holiday boxers):

For good measure I even threw M1 into the mix and got her a cute little VD sleep set with boxers.  Made sure Hubby was not left out and had three bags of his favorite candy, that nasty Butterfinger thing, with the sappy card.  And what did I get you ask?  Not a damn thing, not even a stupid card.  Bitter?  Yes, as a matter of fact I am.  Still.

Anyhoo, I made my chocolate covered strawberries

even doubled the batch and I managed to eat six, well maybe eight, right away.  And now I have a huge stomach ache and a gazillion chocolate covered strawberries…  Bitter about that too.

I’m also a little bitter about some of the other sucky parts of my life too...

C2 and M2 broke up right before Christmas and he’s still having a hard time with it.  He’s had his good days and his bad days but he seems to have slipped into another of his really bad periods.

A lot of things about this make me bitter, bitter that it’s my lot in life to deal with the perils of having a bipolar son.  Bitter that a girl that I actually liked and welcomed into my family hurt my son. Bitter that no matter how hard I try I can’t help/heal my son.  Bitter that I still have the Christmas gifts I carefully and lovingly picked out for M2 are still wrapped, sitting in the closet.  Particularly bitter that I bought personalized gifts that cannot be returned and will never be used. 

And to make it worse, I’m actually a little bitter that I have so much bitterness in me right now…

The things that suck about life...

Last June while vacationing in Florida I was awaken one morning by a phone call from one of my very dearest friends. It wasn't the sort of news that one wants to hear while on vacation, or at any other time as a matter of fact.

My friend told me that while being treated for pneumonia and not getting better, that they had discovered by x-ray that she had a large tumor in her lung which in fact had collapsed her lung. Once a full body scan was done, it was also learned that the cancer had spread to her liver, pelvis, left butt cheek and right femur. Within a few days we had a plan and the party started.

Radiation and chemo began and we were all on 'Team Tammy' and even ordered blue plastic wristbands for support. The radiation worked on the tumor in her lung and it virtually disappeared, which was wonderful news and we were all ready to celebrate. Unfortunately the next scan showed that the tumor in her liver had grown along with the cancer in her femur.

But that was okay, we were on a team and ready to fight the battle! After a dangerous radiation treatment on the liver and radiation on her femur and continued chemo, we knew we had this thing licked. But that was not to be the case, the radiation did work on tumor liver and it started to die from the inside out but two more had appeared as well as one in her kidney. Then the radiation on her femur caused the bone to become so fragile that it virtually disintegrated above her knee.

But that was okay, she could use a wheelchair while we fought the new tumors, we were still in the fight. Never once giving up hope or faith that we were going to beat this devil. She continued her treatments, became weaker and frail, losing her hair and then it started growing back. She started gaining her strength back and once again it was time for the scan and we were ready to celebrate yet again.

Sadly, before the scan could be run about a month ago she developed a massive headache, a pain so unbearable she had to be rushed to the hospital. A cat scan showed that she now had two brain tumors, brain swelling and a blot clot on her brain.

But that was okay, we were ready for the next game plan. So she started radiation on her brain, started taking steroids to reduce the swelling and coumadin to clear the clot. We were back in action and fighting the fight! She finished her radiation treatments last Friday and her steroid treatment on Saturday.

Tueday she called me and asked me to come have lunch with her on Wednesday. She asked me to bring lunch from 'our' restaurant, the one we have shared meals to discuss good times, bad times and sad times. She didn't sound as peppy as she had before but I wanted to believe she wanted to share the good news with me in person, even though in my heart and in my head I knew that wasn't true.

So I took her lunch from our favorite restaurant and went to spend the afternoon with my best friend. Sunday she began having symptoms of brain swelling again, she lost control of her motor skills, she couldn't speak and was not comprehending. They rushed her to the ER and the catscan showed that yes the brain was swelling again and the tumors had not shrunk but grown. She wanted to tell me in person that we might not win the fight. They started her back on steroids and the symptoms went away and she has lost her hair again.

She is lucky enough to have been accepted at MD Anderson in Houston and she leaves Monday for a two week testing period. She has not given up hope, but she is tired and she is in pain and told me that she did not know how much more she had to give. This may very well be our last chance, our last hope. I will be traveling to Houston with her on Tuesday and will be able to stay with her for two days to hold her hand. I wish I could go for the whole two weeks. I've not given up hope, but my faith is wavering and I feel helpless.

I do know that not many people are lucky enough to have a friend like my friend. I consider myself to be the luckiest person in the world to not only have known her for 25 years but to have had her as my best friend that entire time. We speak every day and we have yet to end a conversation without telling each other that we love each other. Not many friends do that and if they do they don't mean it like we mean it. I feel blessed to have walked through more than half of my life with her and I hope to keep on walking with her.

Tammy, I love you!

I'm baaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkk....

Well maybe and maybe not...

It's been pointed out to me that I have not blogged in a really long time. I don't have much of an excuse, really I don't, but life has just been so busy. Sigh...I won't even bore you with the details.

You all know that I've been a secret blogger for many, many, many years and I have never let anyone in my private life into the sanctum, not even hinted that I have a blog. Lately several of my relatives have started blogging, like it's a new thing or something, duh, where've you been? But I have one special relative, one of my many nieces, that I've let into my secret blog world. It was petrifying at first, letting someone I know see the 'true' inner me that I've only shared with my favorite blog friends. But I think I'm okay with it, just probably won't share with the others, because most of them are like the 'others', you know from Lost... But I am shouting out to you Turtle Face, hope you enjoy the craziness of me...

For those of you that don't know, C1 has officially been engaged to M1 since December. They are not planning on doing the BIG thing until May 2012, but things have been a swingin... I am fortunate to have a future daughter that has made more than the required effort to include me in every aspect of the planning. How did I get so lucky? With 3 heathen male children, I never thought this would be a possibility.

We've been to a bridal show, which was quite overwhelming thankyouverymuch, we've gone and looked at a few different venues and she (they) have finally decided on one, the ONE that I picked out originally. It's a beautiful place and it felt so perfect when we were there and she liked it! And I picked it out!!

She and her mother asked me to go dress shopping with them and I regretfully declined. I think that is definitely the one thing that she should share with her mother alone. Besides Turtle Face was more than gracious to allow me to accompany her on her search for the perfect wedding gown, so I've had the experience. It was a wonderful experience, full of laughter, joy and tears and to the day I die, I will never forget sharing that experience. BTW, she chose the dress I picked out, so I must have incredible taste, just sayin...

I actually told M1 that I wanted to wait to see her in her dress until she walked down the aisle to marry my son. I want no details of the said dress, though she taunts me relentlessly, I want to see her in all of her glory for the very first time on the day she becomes my true daughter. I want to share in the awe and excitement along with my first born son. I want to be able to be surprised and cry on that glorious day. So does that make me weird?

Tonight, C1 called for C3 and he officially asked him to be one of his groomsmen. I actually thought C3 was going to cry! I don't think I have ever in all of his 17 years seen him so excited and proud to have been asked. He told us over and over again tonight, how honored he was . That made my heart shine and fill with pride. He's already been online to find out what his 'duties' are as a groomsman and shared all the details with me. He is so fricking cute! God I love that boy! Not sure what C2's reaction was, although C1 told C3 that he was calling him tonight as well. I sure hope the next 14 months fly by...

Looking forward to the planning to come, the changes in our family dynamic and hopefully I won't be so lazy and I'll be here to share it all with you.