Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Another, I couldn't make this shit up if i tried story by Kat

First, the good news is that the car has been recovered, YEA! Most of you will be amused to know that you called it right and he had actually valet parked it at a club (assuming strip club because he has yet given UP the name of said club), was too drunk to remember, thankfully walked home and did not actually remember until one week later. Walking by said club (or returning to the scene of the crime) on Friday evening he had an epiphany (his exact word) and after paying a week's worth of storage cost, drove his car home...

Of course this epiphany couldn't come before all the crap that I went through last week dealing with a stolen vehicle. Having first turned down the use of a rent car because we had an extra car for him to drive, said extra car broke down on him on the way to work one morning. Hubby went to rescue him and I was summoned at 6:30 am to not only produce a tow truck, but to pull a rental car out of my ass. Long story short, after many phone calls and screaming matches, car was sent to the car hospital and I was to meet the car rental people at the house for car delivery at 12:30 on Friday.

Left work early to make sure that I was home on time, received a phone call that they were on their way and sat and waited and waited and waited and waited. Over an hour later, after having to cancel my nail appointment, rental car dude calls and says that he came to my house and knocked and rang the doorbell for 10 minutes but nobody answered. No, I'm sitting right here in my little office next to the front door, losing my butt at 21, and nobody has come to my house. Swears he was there, recites the directions to my house to which I agree are correct and then tells me that there was a white Silverado pickup in my driveway. No, don't have one of those, but there is a white NISSAN in my driveway dumbass. So another long story short, they finally arrive and after all the switch and bait of cars, C2 drove off to his beloved Dallas only to find his fricken car 5 hours later...

Several months ago I came home from work to discover a yellow post-it note stating 'No Solicitors' attached prominently next to my front door over the doorbell. Upon questioning Hubby about this attractive new feature to our decor, he told me that he was sick and tired of coming home every day and having thousands of flyers on the porch or rubber-banded to the door handle (I believe he even said something about saving the trees...) in addition to the constant stream of product hawkers, lawn care specialist and young men trying to save our souls.

Having learned many, many years ago some things are better left alone and not worth fighting over and I chose not to tell him what an idiot he was (although I do believe I mentioned something about white trash...) and let him keep his little post-it note on the door. Truth be told, it actually worked. Weeks and weeks went by and no more flyers were left at our doorstep and not a ringing doorbell was heard. Both C1 and C2 ribbed him about his little post-it note every time they came over but he was adamant that it worked. Occasionally, if he knew we were having guests, he would remove the post-it note and stick it on the desk by the door. After a few days of his forgetting to put it back outside we would have stacks of flyers once again and back out came the post-it note, by now being secured by scotch tape.

Not sure why but last week the post-it note was not attached to the door and as we were sitting down to dinner the doorbell rang. Sending Hubby to the door, C3 and I sat down to our dinner, lest it get cold... Poor Hubby even though he doesn't want evil solicitors coming to his door, he is just senseless enough to talk to any stranger than comes a knocking. In the beginning I didn't pay any attention to the conversation, just went about eating my meal and occasionally catching a word or too. I did hear Perfect Stranger Sales Dude mention that "Big Mack across the street uses our service and thought YOU might be interested... and this will just take a minute..." and kept right on stuffing my face. Until...

Until I hear THESE words come straight out of Hubby's mouth, not only Perfect Stranger Sales Dude to hear, but for anyone within ten miles that might be listening... "Yeah, WE USED TO HAVE AN ALARM SYSTEM BUT WE NEVER EVEN TURN IT ON ANYMORE."

OH. NO. HE. DIDN'T!

Thankfully, by this time Hubby is bored with the conversation and tells Perfect Stranger Sales Dude that he really needed to talk it over with 'the wife' (just in case you are wondering, YES, that is what he calls me in public, wtf?) could he possibly leave him a brochure or a business card and we would call him back if we were interested. And just as I expected, Perfect Stranger Sales Dude tells Hubby that he doesn't have any brochures or cards and asks him when a good time to come back would be?

I didn't really listen to anymore because my head was spinning exorcist style and my ears were ringing and the steam coming out of them was clogging my hearing, but then Hubby comes and casually sits at the dinner table to start his meal. I feel my blood pressure rising quickly, the hot flash from the stress and my temples pulsating from my head that is just about to explode and I say - "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"

Okay, I didn't say it, I screamed it so loud that I am pretty sure that Perfect Stranger Sales Dude, who by this time was scoping out my house to see the best way to BREAK AND ENTER it, heard my every word. And to my surprise, Hubby looks at me with that stupid man look and says "What, what are you talking about?"

So after berating him for well over an hour, well maybe for the next four hours, I think he actually started seeing the light and not only has he been diligent in making sure every door and window are locked and secured each morning and evening, he actually went out this week end and bought a real 'NO SOLICITORS' sign and secured it to the front door and threw away his little post-it note....




8 comments:

Small Town Girl said...

I'll say a prayer that you don't get robbed...I'll also say a prayer for Hubby's mind. ;) Apparently that's the beauty of living in rural America...not much for soliciters. And the ones that DO come aren't that smart because they come during the day.

Glad C2 managed to find the car! Whatta nerd!

tracy said...

Ha!!!! That is hilarious about C2's car!!! Just last weekend I got a call from my ex-husband and he said "I can't find my truck". Although in his case, his crazy girlfriend had gotten mad and gone it parked at a random bank and it got towed. I may do a lot of stupid stuff but I can honestly say I have never misplaced my car :)

Mrs. K said...

your husband sounds so much like my husband...the other day j acutally looked in his ear and i was like- what are you doing? she said she was looking for his brain. I nearly died laughing.

Bev said...

I think you deserve some kind of medal or something if both C2 and your hubby are still alive and you didn't kill them both! Sheesh! Why didn't your hubby just post a sign in your front yard begging to be robbed and inviting robbers in? I think I would be finding me an alarm system.

Tracie said...

Hope you don't get robbed!

I wonder sometimes if my hubby will ever get tired of saying "I screwed up" And then I wonder if my mouth will ever let me brain win and say "Pull your head out of your A$$ buddy"

Becca said...

Oh man, was the no soliciting thing the only thing that your husband bought? I would be thinking he would be doing more than a little a** kissing right about now. What part of tmi doesn't he get? Or does he fully understand now?

Dory said...

Holy cow..... You've had a full plate! We don't have solicitors here either, thankfully.

Jenn said...

Wow--you really can't make this shit up!