Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Dead Creatures and Varmints

Back in the day raising three boys it took a LOT to freak me out and get the heebie jeebies. For some reason the older I get the easier it is to freak me out.

Things that freak me out to the point of dry heaves and possibly hurling:

  1. Rodents and varmints, including but not limited to mice, rats, chipmunks, squirrels, opossums, raccoons
  2. Flying bugs, including but not limited to flies, mosquitos, bees, wasps, dragon flies
  3. Blood, including but not limited to fresh blood but pictures of blood
  4. Open wounds, including but not limited to bloody open wounds
  5. Smells, including but not limited to body odor, dog crap, dead animals

Monday when I came home from work there was a 'smell' as soon as I came in the house. My first thought was now that C3 is back in school the trash does not get taken out on a daily basis and that was were the stench was coming from. Empty the trash, sprayed the trash can down with Lysol, lit some candles and went on with my business.

Tuesday when I came home from work there was a more potent 'smell', actually it smelled kind of like someone had just cooked Brussels sprouts. My first thought was that since I am have been severely slacking on the cooking and shopping department that there must be some rotting food in the fridge. There was, so I cleaned that out and scrubbed it down and took the trash out, lit some candles, sprayed some Lysol and went on with my business.

Today when I got home from work there was a 'stench' a very indescribable stench. Hubby had already lit all the candles and sprayed the Lysol but it had not made a dent in the stench. My first through was that the toilets had overrun and possibly backed up into the tub. Hubby's first thought was that the line in the kitchen was backed up. I checked that and it was clear, toilets were fine, nothing in the tub and Hubby said it smelled like really strong mildew or mold. His thought was to check the laundry room to see if the washer had been leaking, which it had not. I do not know why,maybe a calling from God, but for some reason I was compelled to open the closet that hosts the air conditioner and heater unit.

It didn't take me long, kind of like a split nano second, to slam the door while excreting a blood curdling scream that would not stop nor be controlled as I ran around the house alternating screeching and screaming, violently shaking and only stopping for the dry heaves. My reaction freaked Hubby out so bad that he was afraid to open the door and all he kept doing was chasing me around the house, shouting "What, WHAT, WTF is WRONG WITH YOU?"

It took several long minutes, but between the drive heaves, I managed to blurt out "Dead, Dead, Dead!" This only freaked Hubby out more and from my reaction he was thinking I saw a decapitated head or something and was too scared to look in the closet. When I finally made it outside to the back yard and I finally stopped dry heaving and hyperventilating by placing my head between my knees, I screeched "DEAD OPOSSUM IN THE CLOSET!"

Hubby thinking that by my reaction that it must be a big ass frickin opossum, geared himself up like he was going into a nuclear reactor plant and headed to the closet. I can't actually tell you what happened from that point until he came back outside to tell me he took care of it because I was busy doing the labor breathing outside in order to not hurl all over the deck, but his explanation that it was a 'tiny, baby opossum' that must have crawled through a crack into the attack and fell to his death from the vent in that closet, didn't ease the hurling reflex, nope they got worse. Bad enough that we had to leave the house for a couple of hours until I was brave enough to come home.

Even as I sit here typing this, the hurl reflex is in full force. What if I fall asleep and some crazy ass Momma Opossum decides to find her way into my house and kill me in my sleep for allowing her baby to die? I may never be able to sleep again. I know I will never be able to eat again, the hurl thing is to strong. AND I will NEVER in my life open that closet door again, E.V.E.R!


Becca said...

I would have reacted the same way. I hate rodents!

giggles said...

OH I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants!!!

meg said...

I personally thing your reaction was rather subdued, given the circumstances :-)

Small Town Girl said...

Sure hope you didn't let any other varmits in the house when you had it opened up...

Thanks for the laugh, my dear. You're lucky you have a husband to take care of your dead shit for you!

Tracie said...

OMG that's funny!! (Sorry for your pain)

Jenn said...

Oh.My. Gawd. I woulda been dead, dead, dead, too! That is HORRIBLE!!

Lulu said...

I'd be MORE freaked out that critters can get into your attic to begin with.

We have a bat that keeps getting into our garage, and it dive-bombs my head when I turn on the garage light in the mornings. That thing has me so freaked out that I turn on the light from inside and peek out to see if the damn thing is back. ACK!