Friday, May 14, 2010

To Be or Not To Be…

IS that the question?

Watching two of my soap opera's last night, Grey's and Private Practice, left me emotional and teary eyed.  Okay, actually I was sobbing uncontrollably at the last one... The theme of both of these shows centered on finding or going after your 'true love' and doing what makes YOU happy.  Of course there was a lot of other stuff thrown in there to make me weep...

I lay down with my stuffy nose and headache after allowing myself my little nervous breakdown and was just on the cusp of falling asleep when I got one of those late night phone calls.  It's been a really long time since I had one of those and as always it startled me awake and left me with a racing heart.

It was C2 and when I learned that he was neither hurt nor needed bail, I started to calm down just a little bit but I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was sad and needed to talk.  I quietly got up and left my bed so I didn't wake or disturb Hubby and could talk to him for however long he needed.

He dropped a bombshell on me when he said, "Well today you would have been a grandmother."  WTH? What exactly does that mean?

It appears he and the porn star have actually been in the discussion stage of becoming grown ups and having a future together.  You know all that let's buy a house and live happily after ever stuff... Apparently they discovered yesterday that she was pregnant. Wow, hmmm... Before I could even let the shock/excitement take over however he told me that she wanted to have an abortion but he didn't want her to.

We had a long talk about this and I tried to talk to him about how she must be feeling and even though they weren't seeing eye-to-eye on the subject.  It sounded like he said all the right things and tried to do the right things but she was too upset to deal with it.  As I was giving my advice and trying to be the loving mother that I was supposed to be, it shocked me to discover that I had no feelings one way or the other.  I consider myself an emotional person that wears my feelings on my sleeves and I've always thought I was a caring person, most definitely a person with convictions that is never afraid to voice my opinion or my beliefs.  But last night, I had no feelings at all, none, zippo.

How could it be after sobbing for two hours while watching stupid TV that when my son drops a major bombshell on me that I feel nothing?  Shouldn't I have cared?  Do I care?  Still today, nothing.  He called me a little bit ago and talked to me some more and again I tried to get him to see things from her point of view.  She's young, she's scared, having an abortion doesn't mean she doesn't love you she's just not ready to be a mother.  I was being calm and rational, I'm not a calm and rational person.

For the record, I don't believe in abortion.  That is my conviction but I don't hold this conviction on to anyone else, I believe that everyone has a choice.  I would not and have not held it against anyone that has made this decision in their life.  So what's wrong with me?  With a decision like this looming over my head, why do I not feel anything?  Is something wrong with me?


JQ Brat said...

How terrible for C2. Maybe he will see later down that road that this is the best course of action.

I think you are probably not emotional about this because you know that she is not the right chick for him and you are not emotionally invested in her, yet, you can see how she feels. Very grown up of you!

Jeankfl said...

I think you're supressing your emotions, so you can say the things best for C2.. You dont care for her being his all in all, and you didn't really think they were that serious, so it's a little bit of a shock to find out otherwise. And you can't let him see what you really feel, if you truly want to be helpful, so you just push it down.. One day soon, it will hit you, and you'll react. It's ok, and it's normal... You're a great mom..

Becca said...

I think that you are listening to C2 and being what he needs right now, a good, wise sounding board. I know that he is scared, and she is making a decision that not only impacts her life, but his. And whether or not either, or both, or neither of them, were ready to have a child, they made one. I can never impose my viewpoint on anyone. Maybe this is a catalyst for change for both of them. He will learn that he has to be more careful, well, both of them really. And it will help him to decide whether this is a person he can see himself spending the rest of his life with. Clearly they have a major difference of priorities. I am glad that he can talk to you. That shows a bond between you that I am hoping more children than not, have with their parents.

Tracie said...

I think the mother skills stepped in and you were what you needed to be for C2. Your emotions took a back burner, but i'm betting they will surface. I hope they can make a mature decision together whatever that may be. (HUGS)

Small Town Girl said...

I bawled my little eyes out when that girl lost her father on Private Practice.

What a BIG deal for C2! I hope he's doing alright and I hope the right decision is made. I can't even imagine being in either of their shoes.