Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Excuse Me, May I Take a Moment to Bitch?

One of the many downfalls on being a menopausal woman is that you magically grow an increased waist size and large ass in addition to packing on some extra tonnage. In the past year due to this downfall, I have packed on roughly, give or take a few, um, 20ish pounds. (This is my story and I'm sticking to it so shut up!)

Due to this extra, um, poundage, I have discovered that my shorts no longer want to encompass my large ass. Now I don't actually want to go out and purchase a whole new wardrobe because I do have hopes that through a little voodoo and some fairy dust I will be able to stop this widening process and perhaps even shrink it. However...

However, living in the glorious hell hole we call Texas, it is not a luxury to wear shorts, it is a downright necessity. Just this morning driving to work we had a cool temperature of 81 degrees which actually might be considered hotter than hell in your part of the country, but it is a typical morning low in hell. By the time I get off work today it will probably be a mere 98 degrees, thus the necessity of putting on a cool pair of shorts in order not to immediately die from heat stroke should I walk out my front door.

Normally I wouldn't step out my front door in the evening during this time of the year but my precious baby, C3, has signed up for summer football which is played two evenings per week at the not so coolest hour of the day. Nope, not high noon, when it is not probable but maybe possible to still breathe in the heat, but at 5:00 sharp the hottest portion of the entire day.

This is where I start to bitch (NO, I have not started yet!)... In my quest to find ONE, maybe TWO pairs of enlarged shorts I have discovered that they no longer make normal shorts. As in normal I mean, normal. Shorts a middle aged, wide girth, hormonal woman can wear in public. Is it just me or is there only two options in shorts these days? You have your 'Bermuda' look which are so long that they hit you at the knee or you have your 'Daisy Duke' version, which in reality is a small slip of cloth that barely covers your ass. Trust me when I tell you, NOBODY wants to see this ass.

Bermuda shorts, albeit cute, are not exactly reasonable when the temperature is 199 degrees and also leave an undesirable tan line. Daisy Duke's, well once again nobody wants to see it... Also most popular seems to be little bitty short 'tennis type' mini-skirts. Um, no, I don't think I want to be showing my peek-a-choo to the opposing team while sitting in my lawn chair on the sidelines, and heaven forbid I would need to bend over! I can see the mobs of other parents passing out from the sight of THAT, let alone the heat...

What happen to normal shorts? You know shorts that hit maybe mid thigh? And speaking of normal, when in all things holy did the 'natural waistline' move to 2 inches below one's belly button? Um, MY natural waistline (well when I actually had one) is about two inches ABOVE my belly button. When did it become normal to display one's muffin top over one's pants? HELLO I am trying to HIDE that muffin top along with the large ass, not display it!!!!

Don't even get me started on shirts. Okay too late - shirts, can I have just plain sleeveless? Do I have to have only halter tops or spaghetti strap shirts to choose from? That's a whole other area of flab hanging over and out that I don't wish to share. And when, my fellow Americans, did it become acceptable to wear a purple, green, yellow or blue bra with a white spaghetti strap shirt? Huh, when? I applaud women for actually wearing a bra with these shirts but DO I HAVE TO SEE YOUR BRA STRAPS? Huh, do I?


Susan said...

oh, how i feel your pain. you won't catch me dead in a pair of shorts.

Hawkeye Chick said...

I know what you mean about shorts. Freaking makes me mad. Liz Claiborne skorts are my newest favorite thing. Perfect length, looks nice, and they were $13 at CostCo.

I'm guilty of the bra strap thing. I will confess. YOu can smack me now.

Small Town Girl said...

Yes, yes you do.

Shorts have made me hyperventalate for years so I will not even start on that. Bermudas are my best friend and it's usually cold enough here to wear them. You know, since it's practically mid-June and I'm still using my furnace to keep my house at 67 degrees.

Oh, and two inches above my belly button is my boobs. So I think that would look pretty comical to have that "natural" waist. :)

Betsy said...

I like skirts. and some baby powder.

But pants, shorts, skirts anthing must be below my belly button or I feel like I'm choking!

Becca said...

I didn't even where shorts in Hawaii! I wore capris and suffered through it. No one is going to see my thunder thighs!

Tracie said...

THank you for this post! I know exactely what you are going through as I can not find a "normal" pair of shorts either. I don't want shorts to my knees but need them long enough to cover the youyou.

Jane! said...

You do know that you don't stand a fudgesicle's chance in hell of losing that weight UNTIL you throw out all those too small clothes, right?
Check out Eddie Bauer's chino shorts. They come in a mid-thigh length and also have different rises. They cost a little more but they last forever.
I sound like a commercial, huh?

Jess said...

May I suggest Goodwill? They have some very nice stuff there for cheap, and it's not all this season's style.

Dana said...

I understand where you're comin' from. I wound up bying cheap shorts from Walmart. It's like bying disposable clothes.

What part of Texas do you live in. I'm in the DFW area. Until I moved to Texas oh so many years ago, I would never have dreamed that late afternoon would be hotter than noon. Can't tell you how many coke cans have blown up in my car.

Stay cool if you can.

By the way, how do you feel about all the ladies glomming on to your son? I'm an old lady, but I think he's hunky, too.


flooz said...

I found some mid-thigh shorts at Walmart too--made of t-shirt material. In black. I haven't put them on yet cause if you think things are bad at your age, well, you ain't seen nothin yet. Well it's nothing a few hours of weight-lifting and aerobics wouldn't fix (after a few months) but who's got time for that?

Oh, I have an idea--how about a muumuu?