So C2 and the girl (whom I've decided will no longer be called the porn star, because, well I kind of like her, so she will be M2) made the decision that it was not the right time for them to start a family.
Of course this was after the first decision that they were going to have the baby and I actually got really excited about that despite my initial reaction of nothing. And I was REALLY excited and bursting at the seams waiting to share the news. But then for some reason they changed their minds. Which is okay, and I stand behind their decision, because I love them and want them to be happy.
What I wasn't prepared for was the overwhelming grief that I would feel and still feel. My heart hurts, an actual pain in my heart. I'm sad and I don't know if I have the right to be so heartbroken, but I am. I almost wish that C2 hadn't shared any of it with me because ignorance is bliss and instead of going on my merry way and being blissful, I'm distraught. I haven't been able to share my feelings of despair with anyone, so I am sharing it with you, hoping to make myself feel better. But it's not making me feel better.
I guess becoming a grandmother was not meant to be, at least for now, and hopefully soon I will shake this feeling of sadness. Maybe someday I will quit thinking about what it would have been like, how much I would have enjoyed it, how much I would have loved her/him and I'll be happy once again.