Thursday, May 27, 2010

It was not meant to be...

So C2 and the girl (whom I've decided will no longer be called the porn star, because, well I kind of like her, so she will be M2) made the decision that it was not the right time for them to start a family.

Of course this was after the first decision that they were going to have the baby and I actually got really excited about that despite my initial reaction of nothing.  And I was REALLY excited and bursting at the seams waiting to share the news.  But then for some reason they changed their minds.  Which is okay, and I stand behind their decision, because I love them and want them to be happy.

What I wasn't prepared for was the overwhelming grief that I would feel and still feel.  My heart hurts, an actual pain in my heart.  I'm sad and I don't know if I have the right to be so heartbroken, but I am.  I almost wish that C2 hadn't shared any of it with me because ignorance is bliss and instead of going on my merry way and being blissful, I'm distraught.  I haven't been able to share my feelings of despair with anyone, so I am sharing it with you, hoping to make myself feel better.  But it's not making me feel better.

I guess becoming a grandmother was not meant to be, at least for now, and hopefully soon I will shake this feeling of sadness.  Maybe someday I will quit thinking about what it would have been like, how much I would have enjoyed it, how much I would have loved her/him and I'll be happy once again. 



Anonymous said...

i'll let you be my kid's grandma if you must- you're going to meet her next month and shit you may be even doing the same shit her grandma does! drinking and cheering!! :)

it will happen darling- all at the right time for everyone. but i know what you mean :(

Becca said...

I wish that I had some words of wisdom for you, but time heals all things. Right now you are raw, and rightly heartbroken for what might have been. Grieve that lost chance, it is human nature that we do so. But one day, you will be that awesome grandmother that we all wished we had.

Gentle hugs,

Tracie said...

I'm sorry it wasn't the right time for them and i'm sorry that you are hurting. Someday, when the timing is right we will all call you Grandma! ((HUGS))

After June's post & now yours, i should post and we could be a trifecta of emotions.

Small Town Girl said...

Yup, you WILL be a fantastic ri-diculous grandma someday. I'm crying for your loss, but if it wasn't their time it just wasn't. Be glad you know because this way you'll be better equipped to help C2 if he needs it.

Lots and lots of love to you. I'm here if you need me. :)

flooz said...

1. So glad you're writing again--missed you alot!
2. This is VERY hard. No matter how old our kids get--their decisions and what happens to them will always affect us, sometimes MORE than it does them because we know more, of course, than they've yet learned. And just witnessing them having to learn something can be painful.
3. I could cry with you.

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